we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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