My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
