I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
