You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
