at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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