but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
