How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize