Can i not drive my cunt home
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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