Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
