I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
