Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
