u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
