Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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