five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
