Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
