i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
