omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
