I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
