Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
