Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
His nipple licking is glorious
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