Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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