Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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