her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
