I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
