Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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