I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
