Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize