Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
