dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
