i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
