Jerry, you need to find god
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Still dying that you shit outside
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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