no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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