So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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