On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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