I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Even my vagina gasped.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
