you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
