i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
