Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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