That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
