you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize