Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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