why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
