can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
