Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
