you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
