walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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