I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
