I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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