I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize