oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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