Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
