If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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