If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
