My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
