did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
