We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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