I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
